The March Hare

I was talking to an old friend last night who recently returned to Mobile from Atlanta. He said:
"All of my friends are either pirates, ninjas, or Jedi."

"They're what?"

"Pirates, ninjas, or Jedi. Like, the pirates wear pirate clothes and carry flasks of rum and say 'Aargh.' The ninjas wear all black and have kitanas. And the Jedi are Jedi."

That is disturbing. Not to knock personal style and freedom of expression through off-the-rack outerwear, but a ninja? Or a Jedi? Go out to a club with an eyepatch and a hook hand? I don't know.

Apparently, the pirates, ninjas, and Jedi of Atlanta are at war. They don't actually fight, they just talk behind one another's backs like little girls. Should they fight, the ninjas will probably win, provided that they actually know some martial arts and aren't just punching the air at home and saying 'ayah!' over and over again. Besides, they probably have throwing stars they picked up at the last gun show. The Jedi will get nowhere with those big plastic light sabers for children, and the pirates will be too busy singing 'Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum' to even notice that the ninjas are coming for them.

This trend is taking identiy crises to new levels of crazy. At what point does one look in the mirror and say, "You know, I think that if I were a Jedi things would be a lot better for me." The scariest thing is that they band together in groups of pirates, ninjas, and Jedi knights. It's not even an individual assumption of a role; they require backup for their metamorphoses.

Are there any pirates who long to be ninjas, but all their friends are pirates, so they're stuck with frilly blouses and tricornered hats? And what if a ninja falls in love with a Jedi, what then? Who will have to give up their identity for the other one? These are the kind of important questions that pirates, ninjas, and Jedi should ask themselves before committing.