Saturday, December 10, 2005
Dear Saint Nicholas,

I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I have lied. I have thought ill of others. I have muttered gypsy curses at those who have annoyed me, and they didn't even have to annoy me a lot. I have been avaricious, but in my defense of that one, I would like to point out that I'm still poor, so wanting money and posessions hasn't helped me a lot in that department. Since you're Catholic and all, being the former Bishop of Turkey, I suppose I should also include the fact that I have impure thoughts almost daily and have committed a ton of sins of the flesh (living in sin) and I've never confessed one of them. And I'm not Catholic.
So, all of these things are going to be pretty big black marks against me. But consider this: have I actively gained any ill-gotten goods from this behavior? Absolutely not. So, should I really be punished more than I already have?
All I'm saying is, hasn't life already given me the switches and coal of poverty and failure? And if the Dutch are right, and you plan to invade my house with six-to-eight of your burliest friends of African descent, stuff me into a sack, and take me to Spain for a year or so, what makes you think I won't like it?
Think about that, Santa, before you make value judgements as to my 'goodness' or 'badness'.