The March Hare

It always startles me terribly when someone questions the fact that this is my real name. For one, do I really look like the kind of person who would take the liberty of renaming themselves? And, if I do, why in the hell would I choose Amethyst Vineyard? It's crazy and impossible to spell.

My parents have a long and involved explaination for choosing the name Amethyst, but what it boils down to is that they were both profoundly stoned and have only the slightest recollection of having named me anything at all. Also, my sister's name is Crystal, so we make a nice pair.

The Vineyard comes from the German 'Weingarten', meaning vineyard, and which was apparently not quite English enough for anyone. Here is how my Dad puts it: "They ran like hell from running hotels on one Godforsaken mountain, came to the new world, changed their name to something that means exactly the same thing, and ran like hell to the nearest Godforsaken mountain most closely resembling the one they had just left behind and immediately opened a hotel." He also describes his side of the family as being "A long line of carpet baggers and horse thieves", which I can neither prove nor disprove.

I could not spell my first name until I was ten years old. I was always called Amy, which is nice and easy when you're in kindergarten, and I remember burning with shame in school on the first day of the year when I had to listen to yet another teacher struggle to pronounce 'Amethyst', and then quickly correct them with "It's Amy. Just Amy." My name is misspelled on my first driver's license, my social security card, and numerous other important documents. I always thought it was supposed to be spelled 'Amythest', which makes phonetic sense, but is totally wrong, and I was really embarassed when my name came up as one of our fourth-grade vocabulary words and I missed it on the test.

Clurg didn't know my name was Amethyst at first, and when I said something about Amethyst Vineyard, he said "Amethyst Vineyard? That sounds like some kind of high-class porn star."

Nope. Just me.

I guess it's better than 'Moonchild' or something. My parents were really into Frank Zappa.